Cancer

I don't know if anyone reads this thing. Honestly, it doesn't really matter if they do or don't. I just need to put my thoughts somewhere and this seems to be the best venue. 50/50 survival rate. 

My mom has cancer. Those are words that I've feared for a long while but hope I would never have to say or write them out. She has small cell carcinoma of the lung. It's an aggressive cancer. It has a tendency to move to the brain. The cancer is in her right lung, her clavicle, her esophagus, and two lymph nodes. She has a brain scan, PET scan, and a port all upcoming. 

I'm frightened. For her. For me. I don't know what the outcome will be and I keep moving back-and-forth between anger and despair and sometimes I have a bit of hope thrown into the mix. I don't want her to die yet. I'm not ready to not have a mom. What scares me even more I'm almost the same age my mom was when she lost her mom to cancer. 

I'm mad that I didn't spend every holiday and last chance I had with her. She and I have lived in separate states for years now and I wish I had her closer. I want to be there for her every step of the way. I shoulder to lean or cry on. A person to share her fears and hopes with and the one who can make sure she has what she needs. I'm the only family she has. No husband. No parents. No other children just me. And I have no money to name. No way to just move her in with me and care for her when she needs it the most. 

My mom has cancer. Fuck cancer. 

Spine.

Four months ago I started having weird to going sensations in my hip and left leg. Then I began to have lower back pain, which is something I haven't had experienced before. I've had upper back pain for most of my life but nothing that made it difficult to walk. I dealt with the pain, pins ans needles ans odd electric shock like pain for 3-4 weeks before I decided I couldn't handle it any longer. I went to urgent care, where the doctor said I needed an MRI and prescribed me Neurotin and a muscle relaxer. I made an appt to see a doctor through IU Health, but the earliest I could get in was in 2 weeks. When I finally saw that doctor he prescribed steroids and Tramadol. He advised not to take the other medications and to begin PT. I didn't have any relief from the nerve pain from either of the medications or tr PT so I made another appt with my doctor. He ordered a series of x-rays this time and a stronger pain medication called Norco. It took over a week before I heard back about the x-ray results. I was told they were normal and he advised I see a Sports Medicine doctor. I made an appt for a second opinion with a female doctor, who ordered an MRI. The MRI is by far the most anxiety enducing experience I've ever had. I cried through the entire series of images. I will request sedation if I am to ever have another. After another week of waiting I was told via voicemail that I have scoliosis and they recommended PT again. I've been reading about my spine and it's curve for the past few days. I've made yet another appt with my doctor to hopefully get a referral to a specialist, a copy of my MRI results, and immediate pain management. I have been LOVIG with chronic pain for 4 months now. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Here's to hoping that I can get some real help with the sciatica and scoliosis issues.

First Snow

Just a couple of things...

I am going to do NaNoWriMo, again. This is my second attempt. I have been working on something for about a year now but I found myself as an impasse about a month ago. I hope that NanoWriMo will help me get going again because this is something that I have wanted to do for myself for a very long time.

I visited my old home last weekend and I will be posting photos along with my thoughts. I've been putting it off because it's a painful topic for me to discuss. Posting this along with one photo will hold me to the first sentence.

So it begins...

Creating a blog in my mind has always been a bit a daunting. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to put myself out there, to share even more of myself with the world. Would I even have anything of value to say or share?

I decided that at minimum, this blog can be a way to keep a record of things I enjoy. The things that I find fascinating. The things that maybe others would see value in as well.

And so it begins... This is my blog. It's not fancy. It's not pretentious. It might even bore you. It serves to record.