My mom has cancer. Those are words that I've feared for a long while but hope I would never have to say or write them out. She has small cell carcinoma of the lung. It's an aggressive cancer. It has a tendency to move to the brain. The cancer is in her right lung, her clavicle, her esophagus, and two lymph nodes. She has a brain scan, PET scan, and a port all upcoming.
I'm frightened. For her. For me. I don't know what the outcome will be and I keep moving back-and-forth between anger and despair and sometimes I have a bit of hope thrown into the mix. I don't want her to die yet. I'm not ready to not have a mom. What scares me even more I'm almost the same age my mom was when she lost her mom to cancer.
I'm mad that I didn't spend every holiday and last chance I had with her. She and I have lived in separate states for years now and I wish I had her closer. I want to be there for her every step of the way. I shoulder to lean or cry on. A person to share her fears and hopes with and the one who can make sure she has what she needs. I'm the only family she has. No husband. No parents. No other children just me. And I have no money to name. No way to just move her in with me and care for her when she needs it the most.
My mom has cancer. Fuck cancer.
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